I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
