this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
