left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
