captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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