hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
