I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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