No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
