toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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