I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
