If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
