just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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