She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
