How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
