Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
