So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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