Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
