My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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