Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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