just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
