I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
