we're chasing vodka with high fives
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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