Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
