I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
