Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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