just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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