awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
