he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
