I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
