You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
how does that bad decision feel?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
