Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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