can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
