In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
