i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
