peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
