I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
