ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
