My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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