Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
