There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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