Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
