just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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