man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
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