I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
