I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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