My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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