I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
