Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
