the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
