plz talk dirty to me
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
