If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i just had sex bonerless
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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