I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
My balls are so social today.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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