I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
