Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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