I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
