he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
