I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
