My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
